The Iron Gate
by Dr. Ridley
Summary: When Mario's away, Luigi will play. Luigi is sent on a quest to save Toadburg from Grodus and Bowser. But who is really pulling the strings? Rated T for excessive violence and profanity... Review! Chapter 4. Yeah!
1. From Zero to Hero

**Editor's Note- This is the most killer idea ever! What if Luigi was the hero, not Mario? ****Anyone who reads this should have basic knowledge of Mario so don't expect descriptions!**

**Disclaimer- I don't own any part of the Paper Mario franchise. Also, I don't own Hustler or Paris Hilton.**

**

* * *

**

**Chapter 1: From Zero to Hero**

It was 1 o'clock at the Mario house. Luigi was sleeping in a hammock outside the house with a Hustler magazine on his lap. All of a sudden, he woke up.

"Man, it sure has been boring since Mario left to give Bowser the most painful wedgie of all time."

He got up and stretched his legs, noticing a Parakoopa deliver some mail.

"Hey, is there anything for me?"

"Why? Who would want to talk to a gay loser like you?"

"Luigi lunged at the koopa but it simply flew higher. Luigi was left jumping after the mail-koopa.

"Say hi to Michael Jackson for me!"

Luigi then threw the biggest temper tantrum of all time and started breaking things while crying. After 20 minutes, he grabbed the letters and went inside the house.

"Letters from groupies, letters from illegimate children, cult recommendations, what's this?"

He picked up a small gray envelope, obviously worn down and secondhand. He opened it up and read.

Dear Mr. Mario,

I know you're probably busy saving the world or sleeping with random chicks but I kind of need your help. You see, people are disappearing in my town and we don't know what to do. We need some of your chubby Italian brand of justice! Please come to Toadburg and look for Tiny.

Sincerely,

Tiny

P.S. If you don't come, you will be a total poser and when Halloween comes around, we'll totally egg your house!

Luigi put down the letter and went to the fridge to grab a soda.

"Too bad for that loser. Mario is probably sleeping in Jamaica right now."

Luigi turned back towards the note.

"Of course, I could always save that town myself."

Luigi stood still for 3 seconds, then burst into laughter.

"Oh god, that is so stupid! I mean, come on, I couldn't save anyone!"

Luigi glanced at the note again.

"Still, I should at least try, for the sake of the house."

He went into his closet and pulled out the Strange Sack. Mario had given it to him from Rogueville or whatever. It had the incredible ability to store anything without the weight. It even had different pockets for badges and items.

"Time to pack the essentials."

He packed 3 Mushrooms, his hammer, his blanket, and his most prized possession, a Lightning Smash badge.

"O.k, time to leave forever."

He left the house and locked it, putting the keys in the sack. A lone button on a stick was in his front lawn. He then pushed a button in the front lawn and a speaker kicked on.

"Where to?"

"Toadburg,"

A pipe popped out of the ground and slid down.

**In Toadburg...**

A pipe burst out of the ground and Luigi shot out of it. After brushing off the dust, he looked around. Big buildings were everywhere, mostly casinos and clubs.

"Reminds me of Vegas."

Dirty Toads, Goombas, and Koopas roamed around the streets. Missing people posters were plastered on every walls. Luigi was observing all of this when a screechy voice sounded.

"Well if it isn't Mar- wait, you aren't Mario?"

A shellless Koopa stood in front of him, still covered in white eggshell.

"Hey, aren't you Jr. Troopa?"

"Who wants to know?"

"Luigi"

Jr. Troopa stood back for a second

"So you're Mario's brother? Fine, I'll fight you!"

Jr Troopa lunged at him.

Begin Battle Sequence...

Luigi: 10 HP; 5 FP

vs.

Jr. Troopa: 8 HP; 2 FP

Jr. Troopa looked at the sky.

"How come you get more health?"

"Cuz nobody likes you!"

Luigi: jump attacks. does 1 damage

Troopa: charges

Luigi: hammers. does 1 damage

Troopa: jumps. does 3 damage

"Hey, thats not fair! How come you can deal so much damage?"

"Cuz nobody likes you!"

Luigi: uses Lightning Smash; deals 3 damage

Troopa: jumps. deals 2 damage

Luigi: points at the sky and says Look. Troopa looks and Luigi slaps him in the face. deals 1 damage and 10 damage to his feelings.

"You're a big meanie!"

Luigi: hammers. deals 1 damage.

End Battle Sequence...

The unconscious Jr. Troopa was later thrown into the dumpster. A Toad wearing sunglasses approached Luigi.

"Excuse me, are you Mario?"

Luigi thought to himself: An adoring fan

"Sure, why are you asking?"

"Oh, no reason."

The toad picked up a shovel and smacked Luigi in the back of his head.

* * *

**Under the Sea...**

Two X-Nauts entered through the double doors.

"Man, I can't believe that stupid Mario forced us underwater!"

"Well, you said you wanted a pool."

"Dude, that is not funny,"

They entered another set of doors into Sir Grodus' room, where (guess who) Grodus was sitting.

"Report"

"Base is at operational peak and Mr. Mitcherson is here to see you, sir"

"Excellent, send him in,"

Both made the X sign and exited as Mitch Mitcherson entered. He was from the Beanbean region with white hair in a ponytail and dressed in a power suit.

"Greetings, Mr. Mitcherson,"

"Call me Mitch"

"Your full name is Mitch Mitcherson?"

"Yeah,"

Grodus turned towards the ceiling.

"Dude, stop smoking weed if you are going to think up crap like that"

Grodus turned towards Mitch.

"So, what is your profession exactly?"

"I'm an agent to anything evil,"

"Do you have any prior experience?"

"I told Paris Hilton she had talent"

Grodus shuddered with terror.

"You are the most despicable person I have ever met! You're hired! Your first assignment is to find a way to restore the X-Nauts to their former glory, crush Mario, and take over the world in an easy to carry to package"

"No prob"

Mitch pulled out a Shell Cell and talked for 2 minutes straight. After that, he put it away in his pocket.

"What if you had the power to have anything your heart desired?"

Grodus fell off his throne and gasped for air. He only had one question

"Where?"

"Have you ever heard of a town called Toadburg?"

* * *

**Final Thought- Okay, I don't have anything to say. Just read and review.**


	2. Keeping it Real

**Yay, second chapter! Are you ready for the first party member who really keeps it real? Of course not but you get him anyway! Behold the glory of Chapter 2!!! Also, I have even more curse words! Yay! Even Quark!**

**Disclaimer- Once again, I don't own any part of the Paper Mario franchise. Also don't own God of War. Or Snoop Dogg. Or Jay-Z. And most importlantly, Ratchet and Clank.

* * *

**

**Chapter 2: Keeping it Real**

"Zzzz... Zzzzz... Zzz- Wha?"

Luigi coughed as water was thrown on him. He woke up to find himself in a dark room with pipes running through the ceiling.

"Wake up, asshole!"

He looked across the room at a Toad sitting with a revolver on his lap. The toad was wearing sunglasses that hid his eyes.

"Dude! Why do you have a gun?"

"Cuz I keep it real! Now, what did you do with Mario?"

"What are you talking about? I'm his brother!"

"Like I haven't heard that from the last 7 captives!"

Luigi started to thrash around, desperate to escape.

"I can prove it! Mario actually is having an affair with Peach's sister, Daisy!"

"Of course! Only Mario's estranged brother Luigi could know such a fact"

After the toad released Luigi, he began to explain his insanity.

"You see, people have been disappearing lately. I mean, its not that uncommon in Toadburg and all. But they are too many people disappearing!"

Luigi pulled out a Snickers bar and swallowed it whole.

"Okay, first things first. Who are you?"

"Oh, I'm Tiny. The only Toad who really keeps it real in Toadburg!"

"What do you mean by not that uncommon in Toadburg?"

Tiny opened the double doors at the top of the staircase and took Luigi outside. On the outside, three Bandits were robbing a convenience store while the Goombas and Koopas were having a turf war.

"Wow, this place is screwed up. There is only one explanation: God of War!"

"THAT IS THE GREATEST VIDEO GAME OF ALL TIME!!!"

Luigi had to hit Tiny with his hammer 23 times before he stopped foaming at the mouth.

"Anyway, there is only one person in this town who knows what's going on."

"Who?"

"The mayor, of course"

So Luigi and Tiny were off, walking through other people's houses, running from gangs, and spending 10 minutes laughing at a shop called Horn E.s

"So this is the mayors house."

They were standing outside a one-story house with broken windows and graffiti on the wall.

"Fancy, isn't it?"

They walked through the front doors and a Secret Service Koopa tried to stop them. Luigi punched him in the face and went into his office. They found an orange Pianta with a graying mustache sitting at a large wooden desk.

"Well, hello there boys. Anything I can do for you?"

"Yes, Mr. Mayor. We just want to ask a few questions..."

"I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE DISAPPEARANCES OR THE SECRET GATE UNDERGROUND OR HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH THAT LOSER JAMES BLUNT!"

The mayor lunged off the desk.

**Begin Battle Sequence**

Luigi: HP 15 FP 10

Tiny: HP 10

vs.

Mayor: HP 20

"You're a little paranoid, aren't you?"

"Just bring it, queer."

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Luigi uses jump. Deals 2 damage.

Tiny uses stomp. Deals 2 damage.

The mayor pulls out a soda and drinks it in one gulp.

Luigi uses hammer. Deals 2 damage.

Tiny uses Laser shot. Deals 3 damage.

Mayor uses Belch. Deals 3 damage to Luigi.

Luigi uses hammer. Deals 2 damage.

"Okay, I'm bored."

Tiny goes to sleep.

"Prepare for my secret weapon!"

The mayor swallows a can of beans whole.

Luigi uses jump. Deals 1 damage.

Mayor uses Fart. Deals 3 damage to Luigi and Tiny. Poisons Luigi.

"Oh my god that reeks!"

Luigi uses hammer. Deals 2 damage.

Tiny uses stomp. Deals 2 damage.

Mayor farts and burps at same time, using Gas Bomb. Deals 6 damage to Luigi and Tiny.

"What power!"

Luigi uses Lightning Smash. Deals 4 damage.

**End Battle Sequence.**

"Okay fat boy, spill!!!!"

The mayor was laying on the ground with Tiny holding a gun to his head.

"I don't know everything but I know what's causing this is under the city."

"Figures,"

Luigi pulled a painting off the wall to reveal a safe.

"Don't open that safe!"

Luigi hammered the safe open to reveal a weathered piece of paper, a Power Stomp badge, and several pictures of small boys.

"Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!"

"There's only one way to deal with this bastard"

Tiny pulled out his Shell Cell and called someone. Meanwhile, Luigi pocketed the weathered piece of paper and the badge.

"Hoooooooooo!"

"No, it can't be!"

Michael Jackson entered through the doors.

"Come on Luigi. We don't want to see this."

After leaving the capitol, Luigi and Tiny checked out their haul.

"Hey, this scrap of paper doesn't have anything written on it!"

"We should probably keep it cuz it will end up saving the world."

Luigi looked at Tiny as if he was crazy.

"Okay, I have decided to join your party so I can kick ass and take names!"

**Tiny has joined your party! Now you can use his power to bust a cap in wigger's asses. Oh, and he can break blocks in your way.**

"So how do you know Michael Jackson anyway?

* * *

Bowser was sitting on his Throne of Awesomeness when Bob the messenger Koopa entered the room.

"Emperor Bowser, Agent V has completed his reconnosaince mission."

"And..."

"Those X-Naut losers have found some way of granting wishes!"

"yes, Yes, YES!!!!!!!!!!!!! That power should be mine!"

Bowser jumped off his throne.

"Koopa! Contact Agent V and tell him to take care of a certain Italian plumber."

"Who's that?"

Bowser picked up the Koopa and threw him out of the window. Steve the replacement messenger Koopa walked in.

"Lets see if you can do that. And fuel up the Koopa cruiser! We're going to Toadburg!"

* * *

**Final Thought- Drama! A new party member and now we add Bowser to the mix! Review.**

**P.S. If you got that "kicking ass and taking names" reference, 10 nerd points for you!**


	3. The Serpent and the Turtle

**AN- 3rd chapter or whatever. Was going to make a two parter but not long enough so I just combined the two. Review**

**Disclaimer- Don't own Paper Mario, Jay-Z, Snoop Dogg, Ratchet and Clank, or the edible food known as "tacos"**

* * *

Chapter 3: The Serpent and the Turtle

Luigi and Tiny were still standing outside of the mayor's office.

"Well, let's go to the sewers."

"Why?"

"Because everything important happens in the sewers! Remember the first 2 Paper Marios?"

Reluctantly, Luigi and Tiny climbed down the closest manhole and into the sewer. They had all sorts of incredible adventures, including deadly battles with Emo Goombas, puzzles a 2 year old on acid could solve, and a confrontation with Ratchet from the Ratchet and Clank games. The writer did not feel like writing about this because the writer had just eaten a Pop Tart and Pop Tarts make the writer fat and lazy.

"Man, Ratchet has really let himself go!"

"I know. It's a good thing Clank was carrying that series."

"Yeah, quark Ratchet!"

"Did you just say "quark Ratchet?""

"Yeah, its both demeaning and a wonderful substitute for the F-bomb!"

"Never mind that, we just entered an underground city."

This was true, for they had walked through a weathered archway into an ancient city. Buildings were falling apart, there was barely any sunlight, and the worst part of all, it was filled with old people!

"Holy crud, it's like this place is a giant retirement village,"

"AHHHHHHH! I HATE OLD PEOPLE!!!!"

Luigi then began to run around and smack old people on the head with his hammer. Tiny was finally able to restrain him after he knocked 7 senior citizens unconscious.

"Calm down and let's get down to business. Okay, I'm bored. Lets just ask that old Goomba what he knows."

Little did they know that that old Goomba was none other than Goompa from Paper Mario 1.

"Hey old dude! We need to know the source of all the weirdness!"

"Quiet youngster! Oh you kids with your hippity hop music and boards with wheels! I told you kids to stay off my lawn!"

"Shut up, old dude!"

"What's that? You need to see the source of all the disappearances? Just go through that fancy archway. Now if you will excuse me, I need some Viagra for my date tonight cuz Goompas gonna keep it hard all night long!"

After throwing up 7 times, they made their way to the fancy arch. On their way, they passed a hobo in a dusty robe.

"Spare some change sir?"

"Suck it, syph boy!"

……..

Tiny was leading the way through the fancy hall that was after the fancy arch. Luigi was lagging behind because he was writing a letter to Goombario.

"Dear Goombario, your grandfather is a creepy bastard and I demand compensation for damage to my psyche."

"You shouldn't be too hard on Goompa, dude. He was abandoned there 8 months ago and no one has visited him."

"I can see why."

They had approached the end of the hall but the exit was blocked by a giant statue of a soldier.

"Oh, great. Now we have to fight this thing to go forward."

The giant statue bent its head down.

"Is it really that obvious?"

"Yeah."

**Begin Battle Sequence**

Luigi: HP- 15 FP- 10

Tiny: HP- 10

Vs.

Sentinel: HP- 22

"Prepare to get served!"

Luigi uses Jump. Does 1 damage.

Tiny uses Laser. Does 3 damage.

Sentinel uses Slash. Does 2 damage.

Luigi uses Power Jump. Does 3 damage

Tiny uses Laser. Does 3 damage.

Sentinel uses Searing Beam. Does 4 damage each.

Luigi uses Hammer. Does 1 damage.

Tiny uses Laser. Does 3 damage.

Sentinel uses Sonic Slash. Does 4 damage each.

"That's it! I'm calling in reinforcements!"

Tiny pulled out his Shell Cell and dialed a number.

"D-o-double gizzle, get over here!"

Snoop Dogg rode up in a pimped out Cadillac with 3 hoochies in the back.

"Is this the wanksta you told me about on the phone?"

Tiny nodded and Snoop uses Bust a Cap. Deals 4 damage.

"You aren't the only one with rapper friends!"

Sentinel uses Phone a Friend. Jay-Z arrives.

"I like eating bacon, cheese, and ham; I win more awards than the movie I am Sam!"

Tiny let out a battle cry of rage.

"I hate Jay-Z! Kingdom Come was the worst album ever!"

Tiny then stabs Jay in the knee and 7 times in the heart.

Snoop uses Bong to the Face. Deals 5 damage.

End Battle Sequence 

"Keep it hard, Tiny. Now if you excuse me, Beyonce is single now. Church!"

"Put your pimp foot forward and let the other one follow!"

"Now lets see what that statue was guarding."

Luigi and Tiny passed through the door and gasped. This room was huge! Their were ten pillars arranged to form a star but the largest feature was a huge iron door on the ground. It had many mystical markings on it and a large star in the middle of it.

"What is this place?"

"This is the Iron Gate!"

Luigi turned towards the voice and saw the robed figure he had called Syph Boy.

"I am the Beyonder! Master of Time and Space!"

Lightning struck.

"Umm, sorry about calling you Syph Boy."

"Silence. We have much more important matters at hand, for you are on a quest to save the world!"

"Can I get groupies like my brother?"

The Beyonder slapped Luigi in the face.

"Quiet you fool! I am about to tell you a story about the beginning of time. About why you and Mario save the universe and Bowser still tries. About the Void."

Inside his underwater lair, Grodus was preparing for his latest evil plot.

"X-Naut! Is the radar ready yet?"

"Yes, your Cogliness. Oh, Lord Crump is here to see you, sir,"

"Excellent, send him in,"

The X-Naut left the room and the purple caped, goggle wearing failure known as Lord Crump walked in.

"You wanted to see me, sir?"

"Yes Crump. I have decided to give you another chance,"

"Awesome, your umm… Awesomeness!"

"Remember, this is your last chance. Fail me and I will turn you into a bunny and throw you to the robotic rottweilers.

Lord Crump let out a frightened gulp. Grodus pressed a button on his right armrest on his throne and a large monitor came down. On it a map of the Mushroom Kingdom was shown.

"Somewhere on this planet are 10 items I need you to gather for me,"

"Are they Crystal Stars?"

"No,"

"Star Spirits?"

"No,"

"Power Stars?"

"No,"

"Shine Sprites?"

"NO! The writer hasn't revealed what they are yet, so shut up."

Crump shut up. A blinking light shined on the map.

"The radar picked something up! All X-Nauts, Battle Stations! We're going after it!"

"But tonight is Taco Night!"

"Then we'll pick them up on the way there!"

Grodus began rubbing his forehead."

"Idiots,"

_Long ago, before anything existed, there was only the Void. The Void housed everything and nothing. In layman's terms, anything could happen in the Void. There was only one thing that lived in the Void: The Crimson King._

_One day the Crimson King got bored, so he made the universe. He made the stars, the planets, and even the Sun. He moved the universe to another dimension because he could. Then the Crimson King made people. He sculpted them out of clay and gave them free will and stuff like that. The people were happy and the Crimson King was a good king until things began to change._

_One day, the Crimson King just started smiting stuff. You know, death from above, lightning, all that stuff. If you farted in public, smited. Snuck a cookie out of the cookie jar? El Smito. If you were caught playing a Pokemon game, guess what. What? Smite!_

_The people didn't like it for some reason so they formed a plan to destroy the Crimson King. Ten Mages and one Knight fought the Crimson King and while the Mages stunned him, the Knight cut him in half. Out of that wound, a black dragon and a white turtle flew out. As he died, the Crimson King flicked them all off and disappeared. The black dragon, known as Horntail, and the white turtle, known as Kakuzu, ruled the people now. _

_The twins ruled for thousands of years, Kakuzu presiding over the good things and Horntail presiding over the bad. This created a balance in the universe. Unfortunately, Horntail got whiny one day and decided to wage war on his brother. Thus a huge battle ensued with laser blasts, fireballs, and Molotov cocktails. They were in a stalemate until the ten Mages and the Knight returned. _

_Sacrificing himself and his mythical sword, the Shine Saber, he forced Horntail down a deep abyss dug by the people. Then the mages formed a giant gate made of iron and using all of their magic, sealed it shut. When this was done, the Mages had transformed into 10 Star Crystals. Meanwhile, Kakuzu got really high and disappeared into space. _

_The mages knew they could not suppress the power of Horntail, so they cast a curse on Horntail, forcing him to grant 846 wishes before he could be set free. Wishes could only be granted if all 10 Stare Crystals were there. The Mages hoped that one day someone would wish the end of Horntail but Horntail always changed their minds in the end. _

_The crystals were eventually scattered so that no one could use its power. They were guarded by creatures who lie in wait for someone who is pure enough to save the world. _

The Beyonder turned towards Luigi and Tiny.

"So, any questions?" 

Bowser was standing at the end of a really big cave. His soldiers had broken through all of the defenses while he had followed behind, eating nachos.

"Good work, men! Now we finally have a Star Crystal!"

Bowser moved forward to grab the crystal but a beetle flew in his way. He was completely navy blue.

"Nobody touches the Silver Star Crystal without getting past me, Microman!"

"Dude, you're like 1 foot tall,"

"You are just scared of facing Microman!"

Bowser raised his left paw and smacked Microman to the ground.

"Oww,"

Bowser tried to move forward but a small hand was holding his foot.

"You still haven't faced the fury of Microman!"

Bowser stomped on him 4 times and Bowser bombed him 3 times. After that, he didn't move.

"Finally, the Silver Star Crystal is mine!"

Bowser suddenly started looking around.

"You, private! Do you see Mario around?"

"Uh, no sir!"

"Excellent! You are promoted to lieutenant!"

"Woohoo!"

While the new lieutenant did his victory dance, Bowser moved to another soldier.

"I want you to bring this to Thrash Canyon and put it in the care of my most trusted soldiers, the Koopa Commandos!"

"Yessir,"

The Koopa ran off and Bowser turned to his army.

"Alright men, let's get out of this dump!"

"Let's go eat tacos!"

The army exited and the new lieutenant stopped to fart in Microman's face.

"Ha ha!"

* * *

**AN- Thats the chapter. Will Luigi and Tiny ever find out what that old dude was talking about? Will Bowser and the X-Nauts have an epic battle at the Taco Bell? Will Goompa ever get some? Check out the next chapter to find out.**

**Review!**


	4. Land of Confusion

**AN- I should have figured this out sooner. I'm running out of funny stuff, so send in any suggestions you have. And don't expect any new party members for awhile. I will put in a new one in a couple of chapters.**

**P.S. There is a lot of talking in this chapter, so I am going to try something out.**

**Disclaimer- Don't own Paper Mario, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Ashlee Simpson, Pizza Hut, Ken Jennings, penguins, Naruto, Kingdom Hearts, or any aspect of pimping.

* * *

Chapter 4: Land of Confusion **

"Rot in hell, nonbeliever! There is only one supernatural stoner entity and that is Jesus!"

"Catholic priests molest altar boys and protested a Tom Hanks movie!"

Tiny shut up after that.

"Yeah, I have a question; How much acid are you on?"

"Shut up! And now you have to go on a quest to find the ten Star Crystals, get more party members, get a 5-5-5 deal from Pizza hut, and save the world!"

The Beyonder then slapped them both until they couldn't feel their faces.

"The first crystal should be in Ruin City. But beware, for you must pass through the Valley of Stupidity!"

"Why is it called the Valley of Stupidity?"

"Because it is filled with stupid people. And not just regular stupid. We're talking Paris Hilton stupid. Ashlee Simpson stupid. Lindsay Lohan stupid!"

Tiny and Luigi started screaming and begged the Beyonder not to make them go but the Beyonder pulled out a baseball bat and threatened to go OJ on their asses.

"Remember one thing, don't eat the yellow snocones!"

Luigi and Tiny were officially out of the sewers and on the streets of Toadburg, looking for directions to Ruin City. Then they found a signpost and felt like idiots. They left Toadburg and headed toward the Valley of Stupidity. Little did they know that they were being followed.

"Finally, after that beating in Chapter 1, I can finally exact my revenge on that loser, Luigi!"

* * *

Luigi and Tiny began walking through a path, beating up Goombas for no reason. After robbing Kolorado's house, they finally stumbled into the Valley of Stupidity. 

"How do you know we are in the Valley of Stupidity?"

Luigi just pointed to the people stumbling around the area. Most were screaming out horrible lies.

"OJ didn't do it! James Blunt has great musical talent! The writer is an overweight loser who doesn't have a girlfriend!"

The loser who said that last comment was struck by lightning in the head once and in his manhood 74 times. Meanwhile, Luigi and Tiny were trying to find their way out.

"We're trapped man! We are never going to find our way out of here! We will be forced to listen to Coldplay for the rest of out lives!"

Luigi slapped him back to his senses.

"Man, they should call this place the Land of Confusion!"

**REFERENCE TO CHAPTER TITLE!**

"What the hell was that?"

"Hey look, a snocone stand!"

They walked over to see Podley running the booth.

"Hey boys, would you like a lemon snocone?"

"Uh, no,"

"We also have corn, butter, banana, and squash flavored!"

Luigi: "Why are all of them yellow? HOLY CRUD! Don't tell me you are using your own special brand of syrup, are you?"

"Just eat the snocone Luigi. Eat and forget. Eat and forget."

"We are not eating your snocones from hell!!"

"THEN YOU MUST PAY THE ULTIMATE PRICE!!!"

Trapdoors opened underneath Luigi and Tiny as they fell to onto a platform underneath. Podley was lowered into some kind of bumper car looking thingy.

"Fools! I am not Podley but actually Ken Jennings!"

Podl-uhhh, Ken Jennings ripped off the Podley mask.

"Who's that?"

"You know, that guy who won a million dollars on Jeopardy?"

"Oh, I'm not a loser so I don't watch Jeopardy,"

"But you are a loser,"

Luigi slapped Tiny in the face.

"Both of you shut up. We're going to play a little game,"

"Is it Guitar Hero 2? Play Freebird!"

"One more peep out of you and I will hurl you into another dimension! Now what you have to do is answer 10 questions correctly by pressing that buzzer-"

The buzzer sounded off 7 times.

"I like making the buzzy noise!"

Ken then used a laser eye blast to send Tiny to another dimension.

"You thought I was lying but I wasn't! Ken Jennings keeps it real! Alright, first question!"

That suspense music from Who Wants to be a Millionaire started playing.

"In Super Mario Sunshine, what was Mario arrested for?"

"Vandalism because he wasn't tough enough to do a real crime! Like jaywalking!"

"Shut up. Next question: What is the square root of 169?"

Luigi: "13 duh,"

"Correct. Third question: In the video game Kingdom Hearts, what is the budding romance present throughout the entire game?"

"Uh, Sora and Riku?"

"YOU IDIOT!!! Those are both dudes! And for that you must pay the price!"

Ken pulled a lever next to him and a trapdoor opened underneath Luigi. When Luigi landed on the floor, a calculator fell out of his pants.

"You little cheater! For that, you have to face... The Penguin Pit!"

Two gates opened and a very large amount of penguins filed out.

"For this challenge you must kill every penguin!"

"I can't do that! They're so cute and adorable, like midgets wearing tuxedos."

Then one of the penguins started talking with a Brooklyn accent.

"Please! This guy's mama is so fat, she dips her aspirin in mayonaise!"

The other penguins started yelling Damn.

"Your momma so ugly, even Jiraiya from Naruto wouldn't do her!"

"Goddamnit! Quit talking about my mama!"

"Your momma so old, she saw Passion of the Christ live!"

"If you say one more thing about my momma,-"

"You so ugly, you drove Michael Jackson straight!"

All of the penguins started goin Oh and Damn.

"Smell that? Smells like someone got burned!"

Luigi then let out a battle cry and smashed the penguins to crunchy bits. He was then lifted back into his booth.

"Well, you survived our evil penguins trained by Wilmer Valderama. But you made a gay reference on your last answer, so we will have to take away 5 points."

"What?"

"Next question: Which band holds the record for best selling debut album?"

"Guns-N-Roses,"

"Correct. Next question: Is pimping easy?"

"No?"

"Right answer, whitey. Next question:

* * *

Bowser was sitting in his La-Z-Boy on the balcony of the castle when one of his minions ran in.

"Hey unimportant lackey, have you ever wondered if right now, somewhere out there, someone is sitting at a computer, typing what we say and do at this very moment?"

"Um, no, I'm not that stupid,"

"Shut up, lackey!"

"Yessir, but before I do, I should deliver my message about the safety of your Star Crystal,"

"Its Mario, isn't it! Curse you Mario! CURSE YOU!"

"Actually, its his brother. Luigi is currently searching for the star crystals,"

Bowser froze in place.

"Luigi? The guy that wears all the green?"

"Yes,"

"The sissy who can't come on adventures?"

"Yes,"

Bowser fell onto the floor, laughing his ass off.

"Oh my god! Get me some paper, lackey! I've got a message for Mr. Hero!"

* * *

**AN- Hope you enjoyed it. The next one will probably take just as long.**

**Enjoy!**


End file.
